Charlie Wear’s Notes

I have a cold. I have been doing a lot of traveling on airplanes and that is a great place to catch something. I probably infected a bunch of people on my plane flight back to California on Tuesday evening. Sorry. No, really, I’m sorry. I feel pretty miserable and the cold medication one takes to relieve the symptoms make it really hard to do the kind of work I do (lots of reading, thinking and writing). But I have to keep trying to work, even though I am at about 50% efficiency.

It would certainly be great to always be “in the zone,” “in the pink,” “at prime,” or “at the top of my game.” I guess we spend most of our lives working in some other zone, some other color or in the middle of the game. This is one of those times for me. Feels like skateboarding up hill, but I am just going to keep pluggin.

Just returned to California after a long Labor Day weekend at the beach. Florida Gulf Coast beaches are absolutely great for kids! No big waves to knock a toddler down. Water as warm as a bath tub (87 degrees F) And daily showers to cool things down just when they are getting a little too warm. My wife had ordered up a "hot" vacation at a Florida beach and that is what she got. I think she was in the water about 9 hours on Sunday!

Meanwhile, back in California, they have been having a heat emergency with triple digit temperatures and people dying in their non-air-conditioned apartments! It was great to be home for a few days. Now it is back to work with a vengeance!

There is nothing worse than having a sick child, unless it is being clear across the country when your child is sick. It was nearly 2 a.m. in Florida when Loretta called to let me know that Benjamin had a barking cough. He has mild asthma which we treat as needed. Loretta was giving him a breathing treatment when she called. When she hung up, I just laid in bed praying for Benjamin. It is times like these when the tears flow.

I’m not much of a pray-er. Never have gotten into a regular prayer time, unless you count bedtime prayers with Ben. We pray for our family, our relatives, some friends and "everyone we love in the whole wide world." Sometimes we pray for specific things; "Help Emma to grow." Emma is Ben’s neice. She was born prematurely and was behind on her growth when we were praying. Then it was "Help Emma to learn to eat." She has a tube for feeding because of complications with reflux and digestion. I had dinner with Emma and the other grandkids and her mom and dad last week. She is eating just fine, thank you very munch.

I am a big believer in prayer, I know God hears and sometimes he talks back, especially if I take time to listen. On the way to work this morning I was listening to the local country station. There is a song about a dad who has a four year old. It’s called "Watching You" and is sung by Rodney Atkins. Tears flowed as I listened and I prayed, "God help me to be a good dad, and bless Ben and make him well." Here’s the video from youtube:

Is there ever a time when "Goodbye" isn’t sad? I’m not sure when that is. These days I am working in California for about two weeks and then I am home for a few days. Boy, it is getting harder and harder on the plane flights back to work. This time I had a lot of ocular moisture leakage for the first half hour or so. I understand that is very cleansing! Excellent. I know this is only for a relatively short period of time, only about ten months more, but I would love for that to change in a miraculous moment. In the meantime, I pray for peace, and for courage, and for traveling mercies.

There is no doubt that those who are driven to ministry leadership have some issues, is there? I read an article (I think it was by Don Williams, but I can’t say for sure and I am too lazy to look it up) that said that most pastoral leaders have father issues, abandonment issues, were the product of troubled childhoods and dysfunctional families and were in some sort of co-dependent relationship with their congregations and God.

Well, okay, so what? I confess, I fit that description pretty well, the only good thing I can say is that I am not in any sort of formal ministry leadership role, currently. I think I might have come pretty close to drinking from the same poison that made me sick the last time I was a ministry leader recently. It may be God’s mercy that I have “taken a break” from all of that. I can tell you, I didn’t like the range of emotions that I was dealing with, and the fledgling group didn’t really have any congregants yet. Yikes!

I think all of my ministry motivations are pretty bad. Like trying to “please God,” have you tried that one? Like trying to “be a hero?” Of course, the only problem for one like me is that when I am not trying to be a hero, I feel like a zero.

Why all of the true confessions on this Monday afternoon? Well I have been reading Jim Palmer’s Divine Nobodies, and boy, has it been resonating with me. It is a great little book, I recommend reading it as a devotional. One chapter a day. Sort of like the Purpose Driven life reading plan, but without the drivenness.

I can’t get no satisfaction
I can’t get no satisfaction
’cause i try and i try and i try and i try
I can’t get no, i can’t get no
                — M. Jagger, Keith Richards

I was thinking about contentment yesterday. This is a state of being that I have difficulty achieving. Part of the reason for this is that I am a "planner" by nature. Much of my effort is focused on the future. Therefore the present contains a certain level of "non-contentment."

Like any good writer, I decided I should look up the dictionary definition of contentment. Maybe then I could discover its path! Contentment is being satisfied. I looked up satisfaction, it is being contented. Satisfied. I am sure there is some great history to these words, something about being satiated or enjoying the content of one’s life, but I am not really interested in the history of the word, I am interested in attaining contentment or as The Rolling Stones, inspired by Keith Richards mid-sleep ramblings, said so well, "Satisfaction, I can’t get no!"

Right now, my son Ben is calling me to help him build a train track. I think this will be satisfaction for him. I am going to go and do it…

Today is a big travel day as I head back to LA and my “day job.” It was a great almost-ten days at home with Loretta and Ben. When I say it is a big day, I mean it is a long day. I have completed the first leg of my journey, from Tampa to Atlanta. Now I have a three-hour layover before I wend my way to Phoenix non-stop! A one hour layover and then I get in to LAX at about 5.40 p.m. PDT. A little over 11 hours invested in traveling. Yikes!

It has been an amazing three weeks and tomorrow I get on the plan at 6 a.m. and fly home to my family in Tampa, Florida. Just three weeks ago we were hanging in there at the end of our financial rope. With the help of friends and loved ones, we tied a knot in the end of the rope and took some action.

Now my first period of temporary duty is over and I get to spend 8 days at home before my next stretch in California. If I told you some of my adventures in the last three weeks you wouldn’t believe it, I am sure, but I can say I feel a peace about the decisions I have made. If you had occasion to think of me and say a prayer, I thank you. May God return your prayers to you and your family with rich blessings.

If you are one of my loyal readers (I am pretty sure there are a few of you), you know that for the last year or so I have been up to my neck overseeing the web communication activities of my friend, Steve Sjogren. Steve is starting a church in the Tampa area of Florida next year and that’s one of the reasons Loretta, Ben and I moved down there last year.

One of the things I neglected to do was make arrangements for earning a living in Florida! I am a licensed lawyer in California and have done that kind of work for several years to finance my extracurricular activities. When I resigned my job and moved to Florida full-time last October I still had not been able to make application to take the Bar examination and practice law in Florida.

One thing has lead to another and I have had to curtail my Sjogren activities and take a temporary job doing legal work in California. Luckily I was able to bum an airline ticket off my brother, and borrow some money from friends to tide us over until I can get my first healthy paycheck in my new job. The upside is that I have a flexible job that will pay me regular money. The downside, I have to be away from Loretta and Ben for weeks at a time.

This is a bad analogy, but I think I have a glimpse of how those men and women who are in the military on temporary duty around the world must feel when they are separated from their family. Trust me, it is not very good. Luckily I have a great guy to hand off a lot of my previous activities to, his name is Scott Bane and keep an eye on him he is an up and comer.

I was sitting in the shade while Ben and Loretta were in the clubhouse swimming pool this afternoon. The clubhouse sits on higher ground in our complex and looks out over a lake at the golf course. With the clouds in the blue sky, the pool and the golf course it could have been a Hawaiian resort.

Loretta and Ben were holding on to each other and jumping up and down in the water. With clouds covering the sun for a few moments the water shimmered in silvery ripples and waves. I smiled. It felt good.