However, to humor him I said something like, “Okay, I don’t agree that there are ranks in the Kingdom, but if there are ‘I’m a general,’ what rank are you?” You see, if I don’t have a sarcastic sense of humor, I hardly have any sense of humor at all. I guess I once again flunked the “speaking the truth IN LOVE” test, because he was stunned into silence.

So suffice it to say, being an arrogant, self-confident (also frequently self-righteous) know-it-all doesn’t make for much of a follower. Yet, I keep praying this dangerous prayer, “Thy will be done.” This prayer is dangerous because it means I have suspended my need for everything to work out all right, in MY opinion. You see, when it comes to God’s will there is only one opinion that counts, His. Wrestling with angels is not my idea of fun. However, if you are a conniving son of a gun like Jacob, you might not have any alternative but to wrestle and wrestle with all of your strength.

You see, sometimes the wrestling is God’s will! And so I wrestle on. Trying to understand. Trying to ease the pain of loneliness and hurt with the search for an antidote to the human condition. I must bear witness: Jesus Christ, and Him crucified is the antidote. A foolish answer to serious problems. Yet, He is the only answer.

As for me, if he says go, then I am going! If he says wait, I’m going to be very hard to move. If we are in a boat and He says, step out on the water, then out of my way, I’m going over the side! When things are good, I’ll say yes. When things are bad, I’ll say yes. When life has become a string of the same-old, same old, I will say yes. Yes to Jesus, Yes to pain, Yes to suffering and Yes to trials and temptations.

I have a good reason. He saw my condition and took pity on me and provided me a way out of my mess. So I will also say Yes to life, and life more abundant. And to peace, joy, love, kindness and all the rest of those things that are completely absent in me but only dwell within my soul because of the work of the Spirit. And so, I say, once again, “Here I am, Lord Jesus. Take me, spend me, use me, all to your glory and honor.” Amen.

Charlie Wear (left) baptizing Robert Menke

Yesterday ended with a big surprise. We decided to celebrate the anniversary of our wedding (Loretta and I were married 11 years ago in Las Vegas) by having a little party. It was just Loretta’s kids, the grandkids, and I. Margaritas and nachos, two of Loretta’s favorites were involved. After the grandkids were tucked into bed, our next door neighbor, Bobby Menke joined us while we were eating steaks we had just grilled.

The talked turn to spiritual things. Elaina told us about the other night when she opened her Bible to Jeremiah 6:16 which reads:

This is what the Lord says:
“Stop at the crossroads and look around.
Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it.
Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls…

Bobby was talking about his spiritual journey and his desire for something more, and something more positive in his life. We were talking about baptism. About making a new start. Bobby made the decision to fully commit to following Jesus and to make a public declaration of his commitment through baptism. Then Elaina decided to be baptized.

Amazing! And wonderful. The video tells the story.

Loretta and Charlie Wear, April 28, 2001

Eleven years ago the excitement was beginning to build. The Las Vegas chapel was booked, the limo driver was scheduled, a very big day had arrived, Loretta and I were getting married. The ceremony was small. Loretta and I and Elaina (Loretta’s daughter). I don’t know what we were expecting from a Vegas wedding, but we didn’t get it.

Our preacher began by praying and speaking a wonderful blessing on the two of us. He talked about how people gather baggage on their life journey and how our wedding day would be a new beginning! Wow! We really needed to hear that. I still have the video, and if I have the guts, I’ll pull it out and watch it sometime today.

Grieving is hard. Some moments you are celebrating the positive and joyful milestones and memories. Laughing with fond remembrances and then sobbing.

Our wedding kicked off the best vacation trip of my life, our honeymoon to Tahiti. Somehow we got it in our heads to get certified for scuba diving. We were on a mission, and we accomplished it! The beautiful Tahitian water and underwater sea life was an amazing new world. It was a great start to a great marriage. My dear Loretta, I am thinking about you this morning. And with tears rolling down my cheeks I am celebrating our anniversary. I will always love you.

People seek the thrill that adrenaline produces by engaging in life-endangering activities like extreme sports and skydiving. With the shock of my wife’s recent death I am having a hard time sleeping. Coffee and energy drinks tend to postpone the inevitable crash and I am trying my best to manage this uninvited consequence of my current situation.

I am also sad. I cry. This seems appropriate, for sure. This is certainly a response to the situation that is normal. It is also a sign that the organic chemical and neurotransmitter, dopamine is low in my brain. Lots of us are sad on a chronic basis and we treat our sadness with medications and activities that are designed to increase the dopamine levels in our brain.

I am sad, I hurt, and I am having trouble sleeping. This is the season I am living in, and that’s okay. My sister had a good idea for me. She suggested that I respond to the question “How are you doing?” with this answer: “I am looking forward to the day.” I’ve been trying that today and it seems more honest and less socially threatening than the actual truth which is that I am sad, I am mourning, and life hurts right now.

You see I am uninsured. When I applied for insurance about 4 years ago, my wife and I were rejected by the insurer. We were too fat and I had high blood pressure. Our last health insurance coverage was through my wife’s employment, but she had suffered a work injury and our return to California left us with no ready source for employment-based health insurance. In 2008 I started my own business. I don’t have any employees, but have two independent contractors I work with.

By the way, if I had received the policy, the premium would have run about $1200 per month. This was for a policy with a $5,000 deductible. I can assure you that a requirement to pay that $17,000 would have put me out of business. Of course, then I would have been eligible for health care programs for the poor, such as Medi-Cal.

So, for the last four years we have been cash payers. When we could, we used generic drugs. We never used the emergency room. We had primary doctors and used the local medical clinic urgent care for matters that couldn’t wait. I didn’t want to take my wife to the emergency room the other night. I knew that I didn’t have any coverage. But she looked like she was going to die. And she did, twelve hours later. I don’t know how much the bill is going to be. I am hoping that it won’t bankrupt me. The medical worker has been calling to make an appoint to apply for Medi-Cal so they will pay the bill. I have my doubts about whether there will be any coverage. I think I might make too much money

If I had purchased the insurance which I was TURNED DOWN for in 2008, by now I would have paid out over $68,000 in premiums and deductibles. My cash payments have run about $550 per month, which totals approximately $26,000.

It looks as though the supreme court will overturn the health care law. Some pundits proclaim that the free market will take care of the system. I guess to have a true free market system the government would have to stop treating senior citizens through Medicare and Veterans though their health care system. They would have to discontinue Medicaid for the poor and disabled (Medi-Cal), and they would have to STOP providing EMERGENCY care to any who need it.

Then the rest would take care of itself, right? Either way, my wife would have died. That makes me sad, and angry at the stupid mess we have gotten into with uncontrollable medical costs.

Loretta and Ben near Wakikii Beach

We were leaving for vacation this evening. Instead we are on a different trip. Her bags were packed (for the last two and a half weeks). Loretta started saving last year and when she had enough for the airline tickets, we bought them. Then it was hours of searching for just the right condo to rent. And when we had the initial deposit we grabbed it. She was a flurry of activity in preparation for the trip. Backyard weeds pulled, check. Closet organized, check. Snorkel gear purchased, check. Bag packed, check. Lawn mowed, check!

Loretta loved Hawaii. She loved the water, swimming and snorkeling. We began taking vacations to the Islands when Ben was just a toddler, barely able to walk. Our trip is cancelled. Something came up. We’ve had to make other plans. Ben and I decided that this was mommy’s trip, and we just can’t go without her. We’ll go another time. Later.

Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans. — John Lennon

When I met her Loretta was working as a charge nurse at the VA Hospital in Loma Linda and raising her two teenagers, Nathan and Elaina. She was a single mom, with all of the challenges that comes with that. She was completing a masters program as a nurse practitioner. The year of our courtship was exciting. We were married on April 28, 2001 in Las Vegas and honeymooned in ocean bungalows and scuba dived and snorkeled in crystal clear waters in Tahiti. On the way home we almost got tattoos. I have to tell you that I am the one who chickened out.

When we got home it wasn’t long before a job change took us to Bakersfield for a year. I worked with my friend Jim Hanson in his law practice, Elaina started college and Loretta demonstrated her decorating skills! She loved to paint and pick out exotic colors. Inspired by the pastel colors of a print over our fireplace she had our living room walls glowing with lime green, turquoise blue, melon, and I think tangerine. Each home we lived in (and we did move five times in our ten year marriage, Loretta painted and decorated.

While we were living in Bakersfield we decided to bring Benjamin into the world. The pregnancy was exciting and in the middle of it we moved to an apartment in Huntington Beach. Benjamin was born on Thanksgiving day, 2002. While maintaining her licenses and certifications, Loretta made loving and caring for Ben her full-time job. And she came to that job with all of the energy and verve that she brought to all of the things that she enjoyed.

During those years we took our first trips to Hawaii for Vacation. Loretta would shop the airline tickets, the accommodations and the activities for our trips. Ben wasn’t walking when we made our first trip to Honolulu. Loretta had been planning our spring vacation to Hawaii since last fall when she determined that we were going to go. By shopping at thrift stores and selling her discoveries on E-bay she had the money for our plane tickets in about two months and the condo deposits weren’t far behind. We were scheduled to leave next Friday. For the last several weeks Loretta had been getting ready to go. Lists were being made. Rental cars were being priced. She weeded her flower bed, mowed the back yard and was cleaning the house. She bought new snorkel gear for her and Ben. The suitcases were packed about ten days ago!

Ben and I have decided to postpone that vacation. We can’t imagine taking it without mommie. We’ll go again soon, just not now.

Loretta was also the life of the party. She brought the party with her! Laughing, dancing, wearing a funny hat, she enjoyed every moment with her friends and family.

Loretta was a follower of Jesus. Raised and baptized in the Assemblies of God she was an “in the wild” Christian, like myself when we met. So we have hope. Those of us who know Loretta imagine that she is swimming in the River of Life and telling the Lord she’ll be at the banquet table after she spends a little more time looking at the exotic heavenly water life! Loretta’s father, Harold Daniels, died last year after a long illness. And now I imagine that they are together, maybe spending a little time playing penny poker or yahtzee, just hanging out. Loretta was the baby of her family and she was her daddy’s girl. Her mom, Wanda, who has prayed and sustained her family through the years, is facing her own challenges battling cancer. The two of them would talk about once a week for an hour. Loretta had a headset and she would walk around the house, washing dishes, tending to laundry, hands free while they talked. I would overhear her praying with her mom as their conversations were closing.

My close friends and family know that last year, while Loretta was going through her father’s last illness and death, I suffered a nervous break-through. I was having a tough time resolving psychological issues that had been festering since my teenage years. After the storm had passed, Loretta and I would joke that I was “crazier than a hoot owl” during that time. Loretta not only weathered that storm, but in my heart I know that she prayed me through it.

Loretta’s three older brothers and sisters are here today. They are all suffering at the loss of their baby sister. Loretta loved you guys deeply. Her nieces and nephews are here. Some have driven over 2000 miles in the last two days to get here.

Loretta was a mom. She loved Elaina and Nathan. They were the joy of her life. She raised them while she was growing up herself. Loretta educated herself along the way. She had stopped high school to get married and bring Nathan into the world but over the years she got two junior college degrees and became an RN. She went on to get a Bachelors in Nursing and a Masters. She was a licensed nurse practitioner. For the last several weeks she was studying for the renewal exam on her certification.

She was a hospital corpsman in the US Navy and was called up to active duty and was a veteran of the first Gulf War.

Elaina has followed in her mom’s footsteps, she and Sean are the parents of four beautiful children who were the apple of Grandma’s eye. We attended that annual grandkids birthday bash two weeks ago today. Last year while her son Nathan was working for me for a few weeks he and his mom got to spend some extended time together.

Last summer Loretta and my daughter Valerie went Magic Mountain and rode all of those big roller coasters! I know that all of the grandkids have fond memories of times spent with her.

Last year on Easter weekend Loretta went with me to visit my mothers grave. I hadn’t been there for over twenty years. It took us a while to find the headstone. When I read the inscription the last line read: Love Never Dies. Loretta cried with me with her arm around my shoulder as I finally said goodby to my mom. Today we are saying goodby to Loretta. But because of our love and faith in God and our trust in his Son Jesus Christ and with the comfort and the presence of his Holy Spirit, I know we will be together again.

You see, we are born with a serious and terminal condition, called “Life in this world.” Not one of us escape it. It is only our ability to ignore the fact that we are all dying and that life is short, that allows us to pursue those unimportant things that occupy our busy and driven lives. In the end it is our relationships, the love that we share with our family and friends that goes with us into eternity. It’s our love and memories of Loretta that will live on in our hearts.

Those of us who have taken the leap of faith to follow Jesus, know that the Father, Son and Holy Spirit got together before this world came into being, before mankind came into existence, and saw all of the sorrow and pain that we would experience. They also saw the joy that we could and would find in our lives with one another and in eternity together with them and all of those who have gone on before. So they formed a conspiracy to rescue us from what was to come and it culminated when Jesus took on all of the pain and suffering of our lives. And then, after dying on the cross, rose again to eternal life defeating death.  The beauty of God’s plan is that it requires no effort on our part. It is a gift. If you haven’t received his gift, then consider it’s the only cure for the disease that we all have. Loretta and I believed that it doesn’t take a religious indoctrination to come to God. It’s as simple as opening up your heart and mind and saying, “Here I am, Lord. I’ve tried it on my own, I’d like to try it with you for a while.” Take a minute and pray that simple prayer. I can assure you that in life’s most overwhelming moments it will make all of the difference in the world.

This photo of Loretta and I was taken outside of our home in Moreno Valley by our good friend Bill Dahl.

It started with the flu, at least that is what we thought. A week ago Saturday was the annual grandkids birthday party. Last week we found out that all of the grandkids had the flu and a week ago Tuesday we kept Ben out of school with a small fever and a cough. On Wednesday Loretta was experiencing mild symptoms. We were treating Ben with over the counter symptom relief, watching his fever, making sure he got plenty of fluids. If you have had a bout of this flu, there usually comes a point when it puts you to bed, especially if you are an adult. On the other side, fevers break, symptoms subside and eventually (maybe over weeks) you are back on your feet.

Loretta began running a high fever which we were managing. She had a cough and a lot of congestion. Really, at no point did we consider going to the doctor, as if it is a viral infection there is really nothing to do but ride it out. But Loretta’s condition did not improve. We managed the fever, but her congestion and coughing got worse. On Tuesday Loretta was in a lot of distress. By Tuesday evening she was working hard to breathe. About 9 p.m. Tuesday night we got her dressed, in the car and to the emergency room at the Riverside County Regional Medical Center in Moreno Valley. From the time we wheeled her into the ER doors it was only a matter of minutes before she was in a bed with doctors and nurses struggling to bring her back into balance. Her oxygen levels were low, they immediately but her on a ventilator. Her blood pressure was extremely low and her heart rate was rapid.

She was near death when we brought her to the ER. After about two hours of multiple intravenous medications, breathing support, and excellent work she was in critical condition but stable. Her blood chemistry was off. Her blood pressure was down (it never really recovered.) I was near her during most of this treatment and sat by her bedside when the activity had slowed down and she was being prepared for transfer to intensive care. She had been sedated for the ventilator and for installation of a central line. I prayed, and hoped.

After they moved her to the intensive care unit I was placed in the waiting room. About 4 a.m. I got my first report from the doctors treating Loretta. All of the physicians were very professional and straightforward. To all of the medical personnel, nurses, ER techs, respiratory techs, it was clear that my wife was in a life-threatening situation with a grim prognosis. Her lungs had continued filling with fluid and she was placed on an oscillating ventilator. I called Loretta’s daughter, Elaina, and told her what the doctors told me, they didn’t know if she was going to make it.

Elaina arrived with her brother, Nathan at about 7 a.m. She got in to be by her mother’s bedside a little after 8 and I came in a bit after. The doctors report was straightforward. They were doing and would continue to do all that they could do, but the situation had deteriorated to a point where a turn around was needed. She was in respiratory failure and kidney failure. They were treating her with wide spectrum antibiotics. The doctors knew that it was only a matter of time before Loretta’s heart would stop as well.

The doctors asked if we wanted her to be resuscitated if her heart stopped. Loretta was only 47 years old and as far as we know, had been healthy only ten days ago. I told the doctors I wanted them to try and so when her heart failed around 9:30, they did with full code blue response. They brought us in while they were working on her. They had been at it about 15 minutes. After a prolonged period of such efforts there is a law of diminishing returns. They asked us to decide if we wanted them to go forward. we told them they could stop. She did regain a pulse for a short period of time but when her heart failed again she was gone.

Loretta came to the ER near death and she fought along with all of the help that medicine could provide but we lost  her around 10 a.m. Wednesday, March 14.